When You Fall Off Your Edge

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn…

Fall… off your edge!

It was my four year old niece singing a verse of “Oh Holy Night.” That’s what my sister took from her version of the song.

That’s my carol for the season. Falling off my edge.

On Sunday my aunt text me: Are you okay? Been checking and so far no blog, which I believe is a bad sign.

Me: Yes it is…. first time in years I think. I should post something, but I may just have to quit at least for now. I did have a better day today at least. Although I had another melt down before church this morning.

And over all, one word.

Failure.

The boys are with their mom for school break. Marnell and I are in Wisconsin.

This morning over tea, I shared my problems with my sisters and step mom.

I feel like a failure in nearly every arena. I don’t know if I can go on with our situation, but there aren’t really options. I’ve gained 20 pounds this fall and worse, I barely have the energy to care. I had high hopes for a Christmas card and even took a photo by Lake Superior with that intent, but had no energy to bring the idea to production. I’ve gotten snippy with my patient. I bark at the twins I tutor. I snap at Marnell. I’ve lost touch with the big picture of life. I’m behind on my current writing project.

Later, I found myself gazing at another snippet of “O Holy Night” on my same sister’s wall.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger.

And it struck me as a surprise that the Man who came to earth as a baby really does understand weakness. He didn’t sin so it’s easy to forget that he was human. But did he get weak? Was he exhausted after the day feeding the five thousand? Did he feel weak when dozens of people pressed him on all sides? Perhaps he was. Surely, as a human, he must have been.

And maybe, if I hadn’t been so busy calling myself a failure and trying to prove it, He would have reminded me of this sooner. He might have told me He knows my needs and is not a stranger to my situation. He might have even told me to not feel too bad about dropping my blog for the first time in something like three years.

Perhaps I will resume Saturday night blogs after a few weeks’ recess to search for my sanity. Perhaps never. Perhaps this Saturday. We paddle in uncharted waters.

In the meantime, Merry Christmas. Even if you fall off your edge, He knows your need!

20 thoughts on “When You Fall Off Your Edge”

  1. God be with you, and hold you in His arms. Life gives seasons of tough things… sometimes all we can do is Rest in His arms, and know that somehow He will work it all out.
    Foster children, are precious and win a spot in our hearts, however it is also a in depth challenge.. we have had several foster grandchildren.., 2 went back to a not good situation.. and one is in the long process stuck in foster care, heading to adoption… situations.
    Take time to nourish yourself where you can… Praying for you!

    1. Blessing to you writer friend,
      For you to write and share in this article tells me you aren’t a failure. .. it shows a growth happening and desire for relationships!! That blessed me as those are ways God can heal and bless us !
      Always encouraged by your articles

  2. Life is a journey- some events bless us and others we struggle to understand. May God be with you as you continue. Your life has blessed many folks by your life and all your writings! Be encouraged to keep plodding on.
    Lois

  3. Merry Christmas to you, dear friend!!! “A Thrill of Hope”… that has been my favorite phrase this Christmas season. The hope that God gives brings a thrill to my life. He is so good… especially when we feel like failures. Looking forward to meeting with you!!! 🙂

  4. Bless you for all you are doing—for those boys, and beyond. I understand the failure feeling, ALL too well. I have to keep reminding myself that my children just want me as I am, hard as that is for me to accept. Thinking of you!💗

  5. I’m so glad you’re looking on the better side of life again. May you look to God always for strength n courage. He is our Guide n Stay at all times. It’s ok to have melt-downs as long as we don’t stay there.
    Ida Mae

  6. I read your blog at 3am when I was perched on the edge myself. But I was thankful God had put up a railing for me to grasp!
    Don’t be too hard on yourself where your boys are concerned. God has sent similar cases to our door. One quite recent and it is extremely wearing!

  7. Well….so you think you are a failure. If the things you mention would define one as a failure may I suggest this would define most of us moms…

    Before we had children we read, theorize how we are going to have the perfect family with a perfect marriage intact, perfect home… you name it, but it does not happen.

    You learn that in your heart there are areas that still need redeeming – areas you were not aware of. Ohhh! Kind of ego busting, is it not? And this is why we need Jesus and the infilling of the Holy Spirit. We learn this fact in short order.

    This is life and sparks growth – when one becomes aware and becomes dependent on the LORD Jesus for his sustaining power. And this will never end. My grandfather, Menno Schrock, used to say he thought that when people get old there will be fewer trials, temptations but he learned they increase in intensity because the devil knows he has less time. And that is where I am at – now.

    God bless you, Katrina. Jesus is concerned about you – never forget this!

  8. Satan would like for us to focus on our feelings of “perfection” our dreams, ect. and then when we fail to meet them, taunts us and we feel so let down, plus the feelings of exhaustion from the trials we just went thro, Jesus says, come unto me all ye who are heavy laden…and I will give you rest!
    Our Saviour knows what we need. Because you write…you can be more of an compassionate person ’cause you have felt the pain! Press on dear sister, I always enjoy your writtings, You write cause you understand! Keep casting you burdens on the ONE who loves you dearly!

  9. Just here to say I care. I know what it’s like to feel like a failure. On a upward note, ur newest book was one of the girl’s Christmas gifts. She is looking forward to diving in. P. S. If u need a longer break from the blog, that’s very okay. We ll be standing by 😘

  10. My mother-in-law just reminded us yesterday, that being weak is where God wants us. It reminds us to lean on Him. If everything goes as we plan, we soon find ourselves leaning on our own strength, forgetting we need God to help us through. Wishing you a restful break from some of your responsibilities…. prayers sent your way!

  11. My line from that song this year is “ and the soul felt it’s worth”… he came for me, and you… horrible souls! who he made to feel their worth by coming. Let your soul feel it’s worth today… when we fall off our edge, bless God that underneath are the everlasting Arms to hold us, be with us, and remind us of our worth.

  12. Katrina, something that I had to realize recently is that when I feel like a failure, it’s because Satan wants me to be discouraged. If he wants me to be discouraged, I must be fighting a battle he doesn’t want me to win. I am an older sister to two adopted brothers who I love to bits, but the reality is that loving them–loving anybody takes work. Do what you need to do in this season. May you feel God with you, may His wisdom guide you, and may you find patience to reckon with it all. A belated Merry Christmas to you. (The baby entered into quite a mess didn’t He. This seems to be the pattern of Christ.)

  13. I noticed the missed blog post, and was praying for you, knowing things were probably tough.
    You are not a failure. Look at all the changes you’ve incorporated into your life in the last 2-3 years. You are serving and growing, and that is often a painful process. Take the time you need to regroup. I can only imagine jumping into parenting at the adolescent stage. You and Marnell have big, brave hearts. God bless you, and comfort you with the beauty of Christ.

  14. Katrina,
    If you have the emotional energy to do so, please email me at my Juno address. Your story and mine the past few weeks have so many parallels it is uncanny. Praying for you. God is still GOD!

    1. Another foster mom

      I’ve found in my experience that when I fell off the edge, the Lord was there to catch me in his arms . I PRAY you find the same thing a reality. In my experience, after that lowest point when my mind fell off the edge, his arms have been more of a reality than I ever dreamed possible, and I can look back to that point 3 years ago and be thankful I experienced it, simply so that I could realize God in such a real way. So yes, take a break from blogging! Strip your schedule to the bare necessities, take care of yourself, lean on God and when your too weak to pray, lean on your husband as he prays for you, and remember that God led you to this point, and he will show the way forward!

  15. Praying for you ,Katrina! I want you to know it’s perfectly fine you are taking a break! You have been brave brave and as some else mentioned thru alot of changes in the last couple of years. Fostering is something I feel God may be laying on my heart. But it feels so big!
    Your writings are inspirational and humorous. I really enjoy your style. We’ll be waiting if you feel to write again sometime.

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