A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn…
Fall… off your edge!
It was my four year old niece singing a verse of “Oh Holy Night.” That’s what my sister took from her version of the song.
That’s my carol for the season. Falling off my edge.
On Sunday my aunt text me: Are you okay? Been checking and so far no blog, which I believe is a bad sign.
Me: Yes it is…. first time in years I think. I should post something, but I may just have to quit at least for now. I did have a better day today at least. Although I had another melt down before church this morning.
And over all, one word.
The boys are with their mom for school break. Marnell and I are in Wisconsin.
This morning over tea, I shared my problems with my sisters and step mom.
I feel like a failure in nearly every arena. I don’t know if I can go on with our situation, but there aren’t really options. I’ve gained 20 pounds this fall and worse, I barely have the energy to care. I had high hopes for a Christmas card and even took a photo by Lake Superior with that intent, but had no energy to bring the idea to production. I’ve gotten snippy with my patient. I bark at the twins I tutor. I snap at Marnell. I’ve lost touch with the big picture of life. I’m behind on my current writing project.
Later, I found myself gazing at another snippet of “O Holy Night” on my same sister’s wall.
He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger.
And it struck me as a surprise that the Man who came to earth as a baby really does understand weakness. He didn’t sin so it’s easy to forget that he was human. But did he get weak? Was he exhausted after the day feeding the five thousand? Did he feel weak when dozens of people pressed him on all sides? Perhaps he was. Surely, as a human, he must have been.
And maybe, if I hadn’t been so busy calling myself a failure and trying to prove it, He would have reminded me of this sooner. He might have told me He knows my needs and is not a stranger to my situation. He might have even told me to not feel too bad about dropping my blog for the first time in something like three years.
Perhaps I will resume Saturday night blogs after a few weeks’ recess to search for my sanity. Perhaps never. Perhaps this Saturday. We paddle in uncharted waters.
In the meantime, Merry Christmas. Even if you fall off your edge, He knows your need!